Deeper Issue

Its been almost a year that i didnot write anything and the weight issue was becoming more frustrating. I have not lost any weight in the last 1 year instead i have put on 5 odd kgs. And the irony is i have been at it . I have been actively doing things to get in shape. But i discovered something very deep about myself and my connection with my body.
I was being labelled as fat as a kid and that kind of got in to the system. I believed it and confirmed to it. Internally i started hating my body for being a source of criticism. All that i was doing was from the space of wanting to fix the problem. I denied love to myself cos i believed that the way i m is not acceptable. I started loving only the non-body aspect of me like my nature, my mind, my intelligence and so on. In this denial all the weight loss efforts were a confirmation to the body of how much i hate it and how much i want the fat to go.
I realise today that my body has gone through a very abusive self treatment and it has not felt good for being the way it is . And not just fat even people who are thin, dark, get criticised and abused in their childhood. The self esteem gets impacted and it is the cultural social beliefs that create this condition for millions in the society. Being fat is just a confirmation to the criticism cos deep inside you believe it.
I feel its a deeper issue about self love and acceptance. I am resolving to learning ways to love body and loving the self unconditionally. Results dont matter its the peace of mind and acceptance of the self that matter.

Losing 8 pounds in 4 weeks.

I have realised that the only thing that can work is focus. Deciding a goal which is realistic and working on it. Analysis is really causing paralysis. I am letting go of  all the effort that i have taken in the past and starting completely new. I am truely being in the present. I had mentioned earlier my weight is making me damn spiritual. Not just that i m doscovering its making me balanced...i am wanting to deal with real life human practical issues with a spiritual understanding. Future anyways will get framed on the present. Biggest challenge is to deal with fear, doubts which make me lose focus.
I am writing this blog to feel motivated and keep a track of my effort in this area. It has taken a lot of courage for me to get on and announce a weight loss intention. It is basically being answerable. But i guess it is essential to do so. My friend Smita came up with a homeopathy solution to my weight problem. This effort includes losing weight by eating only twice a day..2 good meals and nothing else. In these meals you can eat anything besides sweet and fried.  Actually i tried it for a week and i did not feel that i was on a diet. Plus the medicines will help increase your metabolism. I did lot of research on any side effects can be caused by homeopathy.
So the biggest task on hand is to stay motivated and not give in to any mental chatter or emotional swings. The plan for this month is i will switch to black tea, have 2 good indulging meals a day, may or may not exercise but will be very active. And build this focus...

SRK an inspiration - a new motivation

Last week i met Shahrukh khan and he is probably the best a human being can get to, atleast in the realm of material success and humble behaivour. Its too difficult to comment on anything else besides what you see and experience. I guess all of us as human beings are too complex and may not be understood at all. So cheers to SRK to what he appears to be and whatever i have perceived....
Well i did feel inspired being with SRK for less than 2 minutes. If one creation of god can achieve so much then why am i not able to get my weight right. Well what is right weight??? I feel great even at 98..honestly i feel as beautiful as Aishwarya Rai whenever i m in a 2 digit weight number. So i can safely assume it as my right weight.
I am trying something new that i have not tried before in the last 20 years to lose weight.... No gym, no eat less or eat no fat diet....its monitoring food and homeopathy medicines. I will keep you posted how it works...
But i have a feeling it will work gradually as in 12 months i would have my right weight..:)
This new regime would include no binge eating in between. 2 good meals and thats it. Actually only black tea is allowed and nothing else but since i m not in a hurry and i m looking for long term solutions i think i will have tea.
Don't want to get emotionally excited that the program gets over as soon as the excitement gets over.  In fact more work is on the mind. Monitoring the mind and watching it go into depressions and emotional eating is important on my agenda.
I know that external motivations may not work but to wait for internal motivation might again be criminal wastage of time, best to get started. Its been 4 years  i have not worked on this at all...

A moment on your lips and a life time on your hips!

This was a line i had read in a story about a girl who is fat and gets motivated to lose weight to get her love. The story was inspiring but the motivation lasted for a few weeks. Then i was back to being lose on losing weight.
Fitness, Health, these words have never really stirred anything in me  to take actions and probably that is why motivation has not come from within! Why was that ??? Maybe because life kept moving on, i met the love of my life who did not have a problem about my weight...so unlike the story i earlier mentioned didn't have to lose weight to get my love. In fact i have been extremely lucky to actually receive a lot of unconditional love in my life. Everyone around has always been accepting me the way i am, actually i don't think they have a choice either. Most of my friends would love to see me at least 30% lesser than my existing size.

But life has been going on....College went well, Got Married, Career is going well, Became a mother and all throughout... my weight was a 3 digit number....

Maybe its about self discovery and maybe i haven't discovered my true self as on now, maybe i need to truly go within and understand myself so that i understand my eating habits.

Weight goes up, weight goes down and I end up round......!

I have been on  a merry go round, going up and down for last so many years. I have lost 20 kg four times so far and i really wonder how i manage to get it back. 


Well, i was born 10 lbs and i never disappointed my mother as she could always see her baby growing and growing. When i turned 16  suddenly we all realized that i had become a 80kg out of school girl. 


From then on i have never looked back..today i m 120 kg and i have gone through at least 10 weight loss programs in the last 20 years. As a result my metabolism is impacted and now i put on weight by thinking about food. And honestly i do think a lot about food! :-) 


I also did a course on Diet and Nutrition to understand what the hell i m eating which is causing this!!! I see everybody who eats almost as much as me is still half my size. Being a researcher by profession i have decided to take this up as a research project which may end up just in a document of findings and recommendations..... (Still i may not lose weight!)


Guess what! I have actually helped people lose weight because i know exactly what needs to be done to lose weight. Then why cant i stick to a regime and why does motivation die off if the issue is so important?! Maybe because i m very emotional and end up eating emotionally. 
Though i am responsible as a person, why haven't i been able to be responsible about my most primary responsibility - my body? Still looking for answers and solutions.......


But now i have decided to get off from the merry go round. I am first working on stabilizing my weight and then lose for good or else die fat.  Maybe gods in heaven or devils in hell need my fat :-)